Friendship

I've recently realized that it's a character trait of mine to value quality over quantity. My view on clothes is an obvious example of that but I realize I also share the same attitude towards people. I've never really had a large group of friends, always small and tight knit. Then, it was probably because of trust issues. Now, it just seems more sensible to have a few close friends you can confide in than many acquaintances. The brevity and perfunctory nature of casual relationships is unusual to me. Why spend time on things that won't last?

Even casual clothes, I don't do.

Subsequently, this means I don't let a lot of people in my life. Friendship is a title I take seriously. It sounds over-analytical and rigourous but I value it that much. Friendship is one of those words - like beautiful or love - that should be protected from dilution. It is irreplaceable and therefore should be used discerningly and with thought. To me, it means choosing to be selfless even when it's inconvenient. To do this to a large group of people is impossible. You'd be a doormat.

Earlier this summer, I ran across an old co-worker who I considered a good friend. I expressed how I've missed them. They concurred. However, after attempting to plan something out a few times, even being stood up for a birthday dinner, I realized I had to let them go. I couldn't keep trying to swim towards something that wanted to drift away.

But sometimes drifting away isn't by choice; it is the tides of life that push people apart. I have a friend who flew last night to do their studies in France. Another friend got in to a relationship and found a full time job this summer. Sometimes our friend's happiness does not include or have room for us and we have to be okay with that.

But when you think you've lost someone for good, they come back. Recently, I ran across a high school friend, the kind I spent lunches with. I don't know why anymore but we haven't seen each other since then, I don't think and we decided to see each other next week.

Today, when I was looking back in retrospect at these events of this summer, I checked my Facebook. It was the birthday of Thomas Jasinski, this guy I went to high school with. He died on March, just months away from graduating high school. It was a car crash. His death was particularly tragic because he had all the cards to success in his hands: smart, confident, privileged, and well-liked. I still remember people being huddled in groups outside the cafeteria when they heard the news. Some were crying, some were consoling, and the feeling of sorrow was palpable.

I was not good friends with Thomas but his death made an impact on me and reminiscing now feels eerily coincidental. I'm reminded to live in the moments - however fleeting or long lasting it may be - and to always remember because it might be all I have.